The Next Step

May 1st, 2008 Posted in Andrea

Last week, we did the Three Word Challenge. Below is what we came up with:

Walking along the riverbank in the early morning sunlight, slapping mosquitos. As Rachel reached the dock, she noticed a mangled oak tree with a mysterious hook-like claw which appeared suddenly to move as she passed by. She gasped and felt a strong need to flee before the shadow approaching rapidly, from out of nowhere, came to drain her life away.

The next step is to edit. How could you make this paragraph better? Is the opening line good enough to catch a reader’s eye? Are there any grammar errors? Spelling? What would make it better?

Edit the paragraph above and post your revisions.

  1. 2 Responses to “The Next Step”

  2. By Finn on May 1, 2008

    Andrea — you have a typo — “grammar,” not “grammer.” :)

    Rachel walked along the riverbank slapping away mosquitos that had come out to feast in the dim light of early morning. As she passed the dock, she noticed the mangled oak tree with its claw-like branch. She stopped suddenly. Had the branch moved? Had the tree reached out for her? She gasped, panic rising in her chest. She needed to flee before the rapidly approaching shadow drained her life away.

  3. By Paul on May 2, 2008

    The mosquitos were having a field day as Rachel ambmled leisurely along the riverbank, taking in the early moment sunlight. Her arms flailed in a vain bid to defend herself from the insistent creatures. She was approaching the dock when a passing cloud briefly veiled the thin sunlight casting a silvery grey shadow over the dawn landscape.

    Rachel felt her chest tighten as she saw something move behind the mangled oak tree that marked the end of the tow path. She looked again and stood rooted to the spot as she saw the mysterious hook-like claw of one of the branches begin to approach her. Rachel tried to turn around, but her feet refused to obey. She struggled in vain against its force; the claw kept drawing her in. She screamed but no sound came out. She knew she must get out before it was too late; but how?

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